My jar is quite tight at the most wonderful time of the year

I think that this title says it all! I am roiling in the mix of grief and joy, never really knowing which will be in the lead at any given time. Anxiety and grief are always bubbling below the surface. This is far more present at The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I believe this is true for all of us. The joyous holiday season takes a great deal of work when we really dissect it. It comes with built in stress. Will I get everything done on time?! Will everyone like what I got for them?! How will we all gather and where?! How will I make it through this time when I am carrying so much grief and it is a herculean effort to just get through the day?!

I know that I am on a lifetime journey with the lasting effects of my losses and that it will constantly ebb and flow. This is out of my control, but I do know certain times of year have the potential to bring on a tsunami of feels. My responses to these feels seem to be out of my control, but are they really?

I have been on this grief journey for 6 years now. Looking back, it is difficult to comprehend that it has been that long. My anticipatory grief,  (the feeling of loss or grief that occurs before the actual loss happens. It can be experienced by the person who is dying, their loved ones, and their caregivers), began on November 9, 2018 when Jordan said “Momma they found a mass”. Looking back, that was the beginning of the path I am on today and my transformation. My family and I have experienced an overwhelming amount of death in the past 4 years. Jordan, my brother John, my mother-in-law Betsy, my father Dick, and one of my dearest friends Kathie on December 1st. The 49th anniversary of my mother Betty’s death will be on December 27th. Each of these have affected me in different ways with differing levels of grief. Each of them has been a blow to my psyche and tested my ability to stay sane! Death is my jam, but I am crying Uncle at the top of my lungs! The holiday season, as joyous as it can be, also magnifies any type of loss. That is where I sit now and I don’t particularly care for it!! I also know that I am not alone.

I am going to name this my “Most Wonderful Disease”. The cadre of losses I have experienced is the reason for the dis-ease I am experiencing. I am sad and tears sit at the precipice of my eyelids the majority of the time right now. I also know that this is not unusual and a normal response to grief. Moments of immense joy intertwine with intense grief and that can be very difficult to navigate. I also know that I have to invite the grief in, sometimes after relentless knocking, and face it head on. I tend to acknowledge it,  move on, and push it aside. Tyler Perry summed it up in this amazing clip, Tyler Perry's Powerful Message on Grief. I really thought I was doing this and doing it well. After some soul searching and my latest session with my therapist it is clear that I am not. I have to put in the work to face this head on. Grief and I have to sit together and hammer out a plan to coexist. I cannot ignore it yet I also can’t let it lead me. I need to evaluate each interaction and learn how it can best serve me. I have learned and consistently preach, in my grief groups, that self-care and self-compassion are so important when it comes to grief. I allow grief in but never truly let it in. It is time I do so and listen to what it has to say. I do know that this intense time will pass, but it will make its way back around at some point. I need to do this so that I am better prepared the next time. As I say to my participants in my groups, take what serves you and leave the rest. 

I write this because it provides catharsis and, more importantly, to let others know that they are not alone. If you are not as familiar with grief as others, you are very fortunate. Know that we love to talk about our loved ones and it will not “remind us” that our loved ones are not here. Talking about them brings great joy and comfort and keeps their memory alive. That is the greatest gift you can give a griever. 

Have a wonderful holiday season no matter how you celebrate and always know I see you, I am truly you. Be well.