THE BIRTH OF A DOULA
I am one of the lucky ones, I have discovered my true passion. I feel it in my bones and know this is what I am meant to do. Would I give it up in a heartbeat? Without a second thought!
Today is the day I became an End of Life Doula. I had no training except for being a momma. Was that my intention when I woke up on March 7, 2021? Not in a million years! This was my son Jordan's last day on earth. That is a hard sentence to write and comprehend. I did not know that this was about to be his final day and part of me wishes it had come sooner for him and us. That may sound harsh, but watching him become a shell of himself due to the cancer that overwhelmed his body and mind, I wanted it to end.
Jordan was diagnosed with Stage IV Colorectal Cancer 2 years, 3 months, and 22 days prior on November 13, 2018. The diagnosis floored my entire family and changed the trajectory of our lives permanently. He was newly married with a young son and had a wonderful career ahead of him. He was on his way! He and his family lived very close to my husband Wade and me and so did his younger brother Gared. He and his brother Gared had developed an incredible relationship and were the best of friends. Wade and I had just taken a wonderful trip to celebrate our 30th and we were planning a bash to celebrate Wade’s 60th birthday. Life. Was.Good!
Jordan was open to any option to tame this disease and had just been accepted into a clinical trial that seemed very promising. COVID was rampant and we, along with all of you, were unable to spend the time with loved ones. That takes on a new meaning when a family member is dealing with a life threatening disease. On January 23, 2021 Jordan informed us that his cancer was terminal. Wait, what! This couldn’t be true, yet it was. He had another 1 month and 15 days left of life.
Jordan was not receptive to the recommended Hospice services (that is a story for another time). Our daughter-in-law was his primary caregiver along with being a momma to our beautiful 2 year old grandson. There aren't adequate words to capture how much she was carrying, especially during COVID, and the gratitude we have for how she cared for Jordan.
We never knew what each new day was going to bring as we waited for Jordan to die. On March 7th, Anna called to say that she could not wake Jordan and that we should make our way to his house. He was able to open his eyes and say “Momma” to me, the last words I ever heard from him. We all left after a while, something I will always regret as I now know what “sitting vigil” is. Anna was overwhelmed and it was decided that I would spend the night at their house from this point on tending to Jordan so she could get some rest. I will forever thank her for bathing him and changing him before I arrived, sparing me from witnessing the true ravages the cancer had taken on him.
I arrived around 8pm, he had roughly 10 hours left. Anna gave me his med schedule and instructions on how to administer them. She took her weary self up to bed with Rowan, leaving me and Jordan. I set alarms on my watch for 10:20, 1:20, and 4:20. I still have these alarms on my watch. We were in the cocoon of the man cave where he sequestered himself and I went into momma mode. I spent the night staring at him, administering his meds, but mostly just fully loving him. Right after the 1:20 dose, there was a significant change in him. I knew in my bones that we were not coming back. After the 4:20 dose, I crawled into the bed with him. I told him how much we all loved him, how proud we were of him, that it was okay for him to go, and that it was the honor of my life to be his momma. He died a couple of hours later. I brought him into the world, witnessing his first breath, and was honored to be there when he took his last sacred one.
I did not know it then, but now understand, I was his Doula. I wish with my entire being that this was not our fate and begged the universe more than a few times to take me instead. I believe, with all my heart, that Jordan is near every day. The signs are too powerful to be anything else. Soon after he died I learned about the role of an End of Life Doula, I know he had a hand in this discovery! I have always had an innate comfort around death and what the dying need. I took a course through the University of Vermont and have been a practicing Doula for about 3 ½ years. I am still learning what kind of Doula I am and where I can best be of service. We are all going to die, it should be talked about and planned for. It can be beautiful and should be honored. It is a sacred space to hold and I will never take that for granted. I have found my passion but have paid the ultimate price to get here. As I said in the beginning, I would change it all in a heartbeat if a healthy Jordan could still be here. He is not and I owe him so much gratitude for teaching me and leading me to my truest passion. Please stay near my sweet man, I will always need your guidance.
For all of you in a similar situation, I see you, I am you. Be well and be gentle with yourselves.
